That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
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Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
How do you like your Corgi?
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that