[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
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“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
It was worth a shot 😂
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom