Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
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Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary