Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
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Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.