Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
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So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.