Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
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I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
#SCOTUS one-star review
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”