Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
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I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.