Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
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*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*