*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
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Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?