Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
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Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”