Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
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[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about