Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
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*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Best seat on the street 😍
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people