him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
You Might Also Like
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
socratic questions
Netflix and awkward silence?
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.