me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
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C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.