Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
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I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.