The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
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ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
[Texts to 14]
Hey
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called