Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
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All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Before & after 😅
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.