My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
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Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.