60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
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Each second of this is more amazing than the last
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Jogging has never helped my memory.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here