Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
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Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here