[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
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Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.