Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
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[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something