In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
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Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”