5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
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Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.