There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
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When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money