I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
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I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”