Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
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wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Candles never taste the way they smell
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
My neck, my back, my…
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Boating season is upon us.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Print is alive and well!!!
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.