I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
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Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
This 4th of July, please remember…
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?