Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
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one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.