It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
You Might Also Like
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
British websites use biscuits.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
I don’t make the rules sorry