The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
You Might Also Like
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Herpes is trending, good job people
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.