My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
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Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’