a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
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I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
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Me: Same
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.