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PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”