[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
You Might Also Like
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?