Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
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Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Covid like
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.