Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
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My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
This dude got his own movie?
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory