Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
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Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>