Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
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I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler