We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
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Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Potatoes were such a good idea
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.