Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
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I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this