Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
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the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake