You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
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There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?