Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
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JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
what’s the point then??
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
How I’d get arrested…
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel