I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
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This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
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Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
How to make infinite energy.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
A wise man once said nothing.
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It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”