A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
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Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.