any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
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My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
I never know how much to tip a cow.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?