Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
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I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
he looks great for his age
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.