@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
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Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*