*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
You Might Also Like
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes